Everybody in this cafe was still wearing their winter coats. The spring equinox had passed two weeks ago. Normally, during this time of the year, people had dry-cleaned their winter outerwear and stored it in a vacuum bag so it could be used freshly cleaned the next winter. This week, the weather had been considerably cold for spring - below ten degrees in the daytime and reaching under five degrees at night. Things like this occasionally happen, after a few years in Japan, I have witnessed a few snowy days even in spring.
Going through from autumn to winter and winter to spring were two completely opposite experiences. Winter is the time when the body wants to go to sleep. Movement slows in pace, the mind becomes less active, and the surroundings become calmer, hence quieter. The energy within oneself refuses to break in. It is relieving at first, but given long enough, depression may start to kick in.
Spring was supposed to be the big break after a long winter of sluggishness. The weather is expected to gradually become warmer, it’s time for the inner energy to be channeled out. I am expecting spring to bring happiness because it comes with comfort and warmth. But just like other things in life, expectation is just a recommendation, not an obligation. And this year, spring decided not to appear in time, unwilling to share its warmth with the people who stuck in the darkness.
After experiencing eight winters, I do reckon winter can let you down in many forms. It may come in the form of loneliness, for some it may come as laziness, and occasionally, it might come as demotivation. Over the years, I have built myself to be better at managing these effects, but this year, the darkness still came to me in the form of rejection. Within just a few months, I was denied the freedom to think, the right to excel in my career, the happiness of being loved, and the warmth of sincere kindness.
For someone like me, this spring has become more important than ever. There is no room to delay, even for just a little bit. Rejections are painful, they reduce confidence, make one feel worthless, and turn something bright and cheerful into something dull and blunt. I have been waiting for spring to come every day this winter. I wanted to be cured, but even spring was unable to guarantee the warmth I needed. At this point, I was wondering whether there’s any patience left in me, for me not to be angry at myself. These rejections - would it be worth blaming them all on me?